I Cry for My Sister Every Day. And I’m Grateful for It.
Yes, I still cry for my sister every day. It’s one thing I secretly hold on to. And I’m grateful for it.
It’s not a gush of tears. Sometimes my eyes well up, a lump in my throat. Most of the time, I’m driving somewhere. There’s something about being on the road, maybe it’s because it’s the one time my mind really wanders.
Whatever it is, I’ll take it. I’ll hold on to that pain as long as I can. I hope it never leaves me.
Today, while driving back from a baby shower, I was blaring oldies Christmas music, and my mind latched onto memories of my sister.
She hated Christmas music. But she’d tolerate it if I wanted to listen to it. I thought about the Christmases we’d set up the tree together. She liked it. I loved it.
My mind drifted to the Christmas when we were seven and nine, when she convinced me that she had heard Santa’s reindeer. I cried because I thought I missed seeing or hearing Santa.
I’ll never understand why she hated Christmas music so much. I can’t help but think that the fact that she allowed me to play it while we set up the Christmas tree was her way of showing that she loved me.
So today, much like any other day, tears poured out of my eyes.
I don’t tell anyone, nor do I show anyone. I’m not looking for pity, I’m just looking to feel. I’m so afraid of a day coming where I don’t think of her. Where I don’t cry for her. Where my heart doesn’t ache for her.
I don’t want my grief to go away. I want to feel it, because it’s the one thing that makes me feel connected to her. It’s the one way I can show her that she mattered. That someone down here gives a shit, and will always give a shit. She deserved that much.
Our society is so quick to talk about healing and grief. About how things get better with time. But what if we want to continue feeling a bit of the pain?
Not all of it. Just enough.
Just enough so we know we’re doing right by them. So they know that they mattered. So we can show that they mattered. To ourselves, to them.
Melissa, if you’re listening: I miss you.
Related:
