The Secret to Better Communication With Your Partner: Learn to Listen Differently
You’re talking, they’re nodding… but somehow, it feels like they didn’t really hear you. Or maybe, they’re telling you about a problem at work, and you offer advice only for them to continue talking right past you. Did they even hear what you said? If you’ve ever thought, “How can I get my partner to understand me better?” you’re not alone.
If you’re curious on the secret to better communication, it’s far easier than you’d think, but often overlooked.
Most communication issues don’t happen because two people don’t want to understand each other. Instead, many problems arise because we don’t listen effectively or miss the true meaning behind what the other person is trying to say. Recognizing that conversations fall into different types can be a game-changer in how you listen and respond.
In this article, we’ll break down a surprisingly simple (and overlooked) skill that can transform your conversations: matching the conversation type. You’ll learn how to be a better listener, how to spot what kind of support your partner needs, and how to finally feel understood in return.
Why Listening Is the Key to Being Understood
Listening Matters More than Speaking
You come to your partner with a problem. You’re speaking to them, and everything you’re saying seems to get twisted. You feel frustrated that they’re not getting you, that they’re not really listening to you. Or maybe you take a step back and wonder if you’re not conveying your message clearly enough.
When misunderstandings happen, many people blame the other person for not listening well. But the best communicators are first and foremost excellent listeners.
We assume that if we just speak more clearly or get our point across better, we’ll be heard. But real connection happens when we learn to listen differently.
3 Benefits of Learning to Become a Better Listener
Here are three things that will happen when you place an emphasis on listening over being heard:
- Deeper Connection and Trust – You’ll build emotional safety, which in turn strengthens the relationship. People are more likely to open up, collaborate, and confide in someone who listens with genuine interest.
- Fewer Misunderstandings – By fully catching what’s being said, including emotions and meaning, you’ll ask better questions, make fewer assumptions, and respond more effectively. This reduces miscommunication and unnecessary conflict.
- Personal Growth and Influence – By not focusing solely on your own voice, you open yourself up to learning from another’s perspective. When others feel heard by you, they’re more likely to be open to what you say in return. Thus, your words will carry more weight because you’ve already earned their attention.
What Make a Good Listener, Anyway?
You’ve heard the term “active listening” before, for sure. But what does this really mean? Simply put, active listening means paying attention not just to the words someone is speaking, but to the emotions and meaning behind those words.
In contrast, when someone is passively listening, they hear the words but aren’t actively engaged. They may be on their phone or computer, distracted, and aren’t truly connected in the conversation. Just because someone can regurgitate what you said, doesn’t mean they’re really listening.
To be a better listener, and to be understood more clearly, you should strive to embrace these four tenants of active listening:
1. Listen to understand, not to reply
Quiet your mind, and give the other person your full attention. Instead of focusing on what you’re going to say, work to focus on what they are saying and meaning. We’re all so worried we won’t be heard, that we have a tendency to jump in and respond to what we think they are saying. Your primary goal in listening is to understand what they are saying, not to come up with a response in the moment.
2. Remain Curious, Not Assumptive
“I know what you’re going to say,” is possibly one of the worst ways to keep a conversation open and authentic. It’s also a quick way to put the other person on the defense. If you assume you know what your partner is going to say, you’re taking away their opportunity to share their thoughts with you. The truth is, that you don’t know what they’re going to say. You’re not a mind reader.
To fight the urge to preemptively draw conclusions about what the other person is saying, work to remain curious. Treat the conversation like a quest, and try to learn as much as you can about what they’re saying and meaning before you consider a response. Ask clarifying questions for what you don’t understand, and remain patient as they finish their thoughts completely.
3. Learn to Read Between the Lines
Communication is more than just words. It’s verbal (the actual words), vocal (tone, pitch, volume inflection), and non-verbal (body language, facial expressions). Pay attention to subtleties in what the other person is saying to you. Did they lower their voice? Change the cadence of their words? Did they shift in their seat? Turn away from you?
You don’t need to be a master at reading body language; just pay attention to your instincts. Even if you get it wrong, noticing is the first step in understanding.
Listening means you’re paying attention to what your partner is communicating on a whole. That means you must work to pay attention to the things they aren’t saying. Often tone and body language can offer more clues to the meaning behind someone’s words than the words themselves.
4. Reflect and validate
When you’re working to understand what your partner is saying, it’s important that you learn to paraphrase what they said and reflect it back to them. Reflecting serves two purposes:
- It allows you to check in to make sure you were interpreting what was being said accurately.
- You’re signaling to your partner that you understand what they’re saying.
If, in reflecting back to your partner, you missed the mark, it’s no problem. Allow your partner to clarify what they really meant, and then reiterate it back to them until you’re sure you understand thoroughly.
After you’ve reflected what they’re saying, you’ll want to validate it. This signals to your partner that you’re acknowledging what they’re saying is real and understandable. It doesn’t mean you agree with them or “think they’re right.”
A combination of reflecting and validating might sound something like:
Your Partner:
“I just feel like I’m doing everything around the house and no one notices or cares.”
You (Reflecting):
“It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed and unappreciated right now.”
You (Validating):
“That makes total sense — anyone would feel frustrated if they were carrying that much alone.”
Do you have to AGREE that your partner “does everything around the house”? No. But before you get at the root of the problem, you have to recognize that this is their reality and to empathize with this.
Unlock the Secret to Effective Communication: You’re Having Different Conversations
Even with all these powerful listening strategies in your back pocket, there’s one final — and often overlooked — reason conversations still go sideways: you and the other person might be having completely different types of conversations. And if you’re not on the same page, even your best intentions can miss the mark.
When you’re actively listening, one of your main goals should be to determine what kind of conversation the other person is trying to have. When we start speaking, we each have an objective for the conversation, and we expect that objective to be met by the other person.
You go to your partner and say, “I can’t believe how awful my boss was today.” They jump in with, “Did you try standing up for yourself?” Ugh, you think, not what I needed to hear! They meant to help, but you weren’t looking for a solution. You wanted to be heard.
According to communication expert Charles Duhigg, every conversation you have—whether it’s with your partner, a friend, a coworker, or even a stranger—tends to fall into one of three categories: Emotional, practical, and social.
By understanding what type of conversation the other person is trying to have, you can respond in a way that actually meets the person where their at.
Best of all, having this powerful communication skill in your back pocket works both ways.
When you clearly signal the kind of conversation you want to have, your partner will be better equipped to respond in a way that helps you to feel seen, heard, and understood too.
Understanding these conversation types is like having a roadmap. It guides you to respond in the way the other person truly needs. Here’s what each one looks like and why it matters.
Emotional Conversations
These conversations are about feelings, not solutions. Your partner may be sharing something that’s personal, vulnerable, or frustrating. They’re not necessarily looking for advice, they just want to be heard and understood.
Example 1
Partner: “I feel so overwhelmed with everything going on right now.”
Response: “That sounds really tough. It makes sense you’d feel that way with so much on your plate.”
Avoid Responses Like: “Well, you just need to manage your time better.”
(Dismissive, offers unsolicited advice instead of empathy.)
Example 2
Partner: “I’m hurt that you didn’t check in with me today.”
Response: “I hear you, feeling overlooked is painful. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
Avoid Responses Like: “I was just busy, it’s not a big deal.”
(Minimizes their feelings and avoids taking responsibility.)
Practical Conversations
These conversations are about problem-solving, planning, and exchanging information. Many of the conversations we have in day-to-day life are practical in nature. They’re focused, goal-oriented, and (ideally) efficient.
For example, they might say, “We need to figure out who’s handling the bills this month,” or “The car’s making a weird noise — should we take it to the shop?” In these moments, they want you to listen actively, clarify the issue, and work with them on solutions.
Responding to a practical conversation with emotion usually misses the mark and likely doesn’t give your partner what they need.
Social Conversations
Social conversations are all about connection, bonding, and sharing everyday moments. They aren’t focused on solving problems or dealing with big emotions. Social conversations are about building relationship warmth and trust through stories, jokes, updates, and casual chat.
Think of social conversations as the “glue” that holds relationships together. They help partners feel close and engaged by sharing fun or meaningful moments, celebrating small wins, or just joking around.
Unlike practical conversations (which focus on tasks) or emotional conversations (which focus on feelings), social conversations are often lighthearted and spontaneous. They create a space where partners can relax, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company without pressure or conflict.
Social conversations are important, because they help to answer the question: Who are we to each other? They seek to establish connection that transcends problems and emotions.
Examples of social conversations might include:
- Sharing a funny story about something at work
- Joking about something that happened on your last vacation
- Reminiscing about a song that you both love
- Talking about the beauty of a sunset
- Commenting on how delicious a meal is
Take care not to overlook social conversations with your partner. These conversations very often are bids for connection. Meaning, it is a small way you or your partner is reaching out to connect.
In social conversations, how your partner responds to these bids, by engaging or ignoring, can build closeness or create distance. Couples who turn toward each other’s bids strengthen their connection over time.
Why It’s Important To Understand the Conversation You’re Having
Why is it so important to match the conversation you’re having? Matching the type of conversation is critical because it builds emotional connection and clarity.
If someone is sharing something vulnerable (an emotional conversation), but you respond with advice (a practical response), they’ll often feel dismissed. Even if you meant to help, you weren’t matching their needs and it may come across as if you weren’t even listening.
How Identifying the Type of Conversation Can help Your Partner Better Understand YOU
Understanding types of conversation you’re having will set both you and your partner up for success and feeling heard. Inadvertently, you may not be conveying what kind of conversation you’re trying to have with them.
Most communication breakdowns happen not because people don’t care, but because they don’t know what kind of response you’re hoping for. Instead of expecting your partner to read your mind, give them a cue. This
Consider Trying:
“I’m feeling really frustrated today. I just want to vent for a few minutes.”
“I’m worried that we’re not organized for our vacation. I need us to sit down for an hour and plan out the logistical details.”
“This made me laugh today. I thought you’d appreciate it too, just wanted to share.”
By setting the tone of the conversation, you’re providing the other person a clear roadmap. Your partner doesn’t have to guess what you’re looking for: You’re telling them.
How to Apply This in Your Own Life
So how do you apply this to your life? How does becoming a better listener help make your partners understand YOU more completely?
Using these listening tools isn’t just about hearing your partner—it’s about helping them hear you clearly, too.
When you start with curiosity, you’re showing you want to understand where your partner is coming from. That openness invites them to do the same for you.
Matching your message to the kind of conversation you’re having keeps things smooth. For example, if you’re sharing feelings, asking for empathy instead of logic helps your partner stay tuned to your emotional experience, rather than getting stuck on fixing.
Next time you’re having a conversation with your partner, whether it is about an upcoming trip, weekend plans, a bad day at work, or an emotional issue you’re working through, try approaching it in this manner:
- Pause and check in with yourself: What kind of conversation is this? Emotional, practical, or social? What are you trying to say? If you’re not sure what you need, there’s almost zero chance they’ll meet you where you’re at.
- Set the tone by stating your intent: Let your partner know what you need, whether it’s advice, empathy, or just to share. Don’t assume they can read your mind or intent.
- Listen with curiosity: When your partner responds, ask questions to understand their perspective before you reply back.
- Match your response to the conversation type: Offer solutions for practical talks, empathy for emotional moments, and light engagement for social chats.
- Stay flexible: If things get off track, adjust your approach to meet your partner where they are.
With practice, this simple framework will help both of you feel truly heard and understood, making your communication more meaningful, reducing frustration, and strengthening your bond.
Ready to transform your conversations and finally feel truly heard?
Download your FREE Feel Understood & Listen Better Conversation Map for Couples now — your simple, practical guide to communicating with empathy, clarity, and connection.